zolac_no_miko: (Americana exotica)
I just need to mark this day so I remember it. This is the day I found out Jen died. She passed away on May 27.

I don't know how I'm supposed to deal with this. Friends like her are forever.

She's only 29.

zolac_no_miko: (pay attention to the strangeness)
Welp. Alex and I broke up. He felt that I wasn't spending enough time with him/making him a big enough priority in my life... which is valid. He thinks maybe I'm at a place in my life where I don't have time for that sort of relationship, which is also probably true. (Then again, it has pretty much always been true of me that I don't make time in my life for what most people would consider an ideal relationship... I like the idea of a boyfriend, and it's very nice to have one, but on the whole I'm happier without. I don't know why I keep thinking that having a boyfriend is a good idea. ...Doesn't anybody enjoy casual, no-strings relationships anymore?)

So anyway, it's a shame, because we both really like each other... but it wasn't fair to him, and I do feel kind of shitty about it, so... good on him for doing something about it, I guess.

...And I was so close to having a boyfriend of Valentine's Day for the first time ever. Not that we would've been able to spend it together anyway, with my moving to Volcano tomorrow.

Speaking of which... it's been a super fun weekend getting to dance with Thomas and Joaquin from Maui Party, and Eli from Maui Party A LOT, and taking Eli to the warm ponds in Puna and up to Kilauea to see the lava glow at night and taking him to Kealakekua Bay for kayaking and snorkeling. I devoted more of my weekend than I really should have to these sorts of pursuits, which meant I only had today to pack for Volcano and take care of all of my other shit (which mostly I didn't), and we had a Hepcats meeting in the afternoon that I knew I really couldn't miss, and I'd agreed to meet Alex at the beach in a last-ditch effort to salvage our relationship, but I'd sort of reached my physical and emotional limits after three weeks of never having a moment to just sit and breathe (or sleep), so I sort of spent a couple of hours in the morning having sobby panic attacks. So then I called Alex to cancel and he broke up with me, which... I would've handled better if my emotions weren't already completely out of control. As it was, I was almost completely useless right up until the Hepcats meeting, which took more of my day than I would've liked it to, but at least it distracted me and got my brain reset, so I was able to make progress with the packing this evening. I'm fucking exhausted now, though; it is, as I predicted, way past my bedtime, and crying always takes more out of me than anything.

(Alex, if you're reading this, I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I really do think this is better for both of us, it's just been... a stressful day and I need to decompress. I still think you're fabulous, don't even worry.)

All of my love to [livejournal.com profile] look_alive for support and reassurance during my time of emotional fragility. This is why I will love you forever. I miss you.

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zolac_no_miko

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